It’s the feared dynamic in parent-teen relationships: communication. When communication lines are open, families can endure lots of turbulence and survive. Even thrive. When communication lines are closed, the slightest bump can knock a family way off course.
Of the few Bible instructions given to parents with regard to children, one instruction in particular may hold the key to keeping lines of communication open.
The instruction is actually given in two instances:
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
-Colossians 3:21 (ESV)
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
-Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)
Two simple words, exasperate and embitter, represent a state of interaction we do not want to experience with our children. Other Bible versions use words that add to the picture: irritate, provoke, fret, harass.
The Colossians passage gives a direct consequence for not obeying this instruction. Children will become discouraged. Other Bible versions give insight into a child’s feelings: sullen, morose, feel inferior, frustrated, broken spirit. These feelings are the teen predicament that closes the lines of communication.
A recent article in the Wall Street Journal, written by Jennifer Wallace, highlights new research that supports the notion that teens raised in an environment that minimizes exasperation and embitterment are more likely to openly communicate and confide in their parents. A few bullet point “do’s and don’ts” from the research can help parents see what an atmosphere of limited exasperation and embitterment can look like. These points also show once again how modern-day research continues to uncover the benefits of God’s ancient truth.
Some Do’s and Don’ts
- Don’t be disengaged:
No matter what life throws your way, don’t let it disengage you from your teenager(s). As parents it’s easy to get distracted from being present even when you’re home. Job difficulties (or loss), finances, suffering are just a few examples that can turn us into a preoccupied, “side of the face” parent. We need to be proactive in turning our face toward our teen and into his or her daily life. Research shows that when a teen views parents as disengaged, a breakdown of trust and communication is sure to follow. Disengagement will lead to embitterment.
- Do express negative emotions:
A study in the journal Emotion noted that older teens (ages 17-18) were more likely to open up to mothers who showed negative emotion rather than remained neutral in their reactions to teen behavior. This seems counter-intuitive, but researchers hypothesize that a negative reaction taps into a teen’s deep, and sometimes hidden, desire to know that parents care. Thus, a negative emotion actually reinforces parental engagement (see above).
- Do offer reciprocal disclosure:
One of the most universal moments of encouragement is found in an exchange that goes something like this, “You too! Me too!” When offered in an atmosphere of calm advice, a reciprocal disclosure from parents about their own lives leads to teens being more apt to talk. Obviously, this can create a balancing act between authenticity and permissiveness, but that’s another subject for another post. Just know that a common experience from your past will help. On the flip side, when parents put across that they were a perfectly compliant child, it’s, well, exasperating to their child.
- Do express unconditional acceptance…
Jesus’ example in the story of the prodigal son paints a clear picture for this point. Obviously limits and boundaries can be pushed, but when parents seek to understand and offer to support a teen during a troubled time, that teen is more likely to openly share through the experience. One of the base needs of teens is safety and security. This is felt when parents give off the vibe that they’re not going anywhere.
- …But don’t accept risky behavior:
It’s commonly known that teens see boundaries as a point of caring, even if they buck the boundaries. Research shows that teens expect parents to intervene in three realms: safety, morality, and social rules. While parents should strive for a warm and caring environment, they do not need to be timid in enforcing their parameters of behavior in the realms of safety, morality, and social rules, all three of which line up with lifestyle parameters in Scripture. Or in the words of Ephesians 6:4, parents need not be timid in bringing teens “up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”